I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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