I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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