don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
