Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
