Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
