im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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