..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
