I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
