So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
