i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
