I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
