I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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