you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
