I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
