The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
