Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
