saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
pop tarts are not kleenex
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
