Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
