so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
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