Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
