i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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