She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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