So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
