That's when you crack a 10am beer
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
