i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
