If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
