I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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