the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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