At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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