We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
