I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
