i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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