Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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