That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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