Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
