I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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