wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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