Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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