I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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