if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
