I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
