So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
