somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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