My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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