Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
