This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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