i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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