You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
