I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
