I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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