It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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