i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
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