why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
