Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
