So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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