I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
