Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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