this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
