An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
