Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
