just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
