its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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