Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
