my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I am naked and annoyed.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize