so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
