just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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